Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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