do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
