By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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