she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
this will be a night to untag.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
