I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
