also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize