When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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