my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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