White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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