I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
