so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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