I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize