How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The best revenge is premature balding
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
