my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
