you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
