His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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