i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
