He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
