I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
