Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
