I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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