careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
