Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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