my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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