Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We had sex on a dog bed..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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