My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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