You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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