2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sober January is a disaster.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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