You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
