mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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