Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
