Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
