guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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