Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
