Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
this boner is exhausting
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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