she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
