I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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