Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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