It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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