Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
