Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
