I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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