So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
