I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
