Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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