i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
