for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
