Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
