Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
