the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
