We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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