I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
