someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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