Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
