Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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