I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
