I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
