Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
